I consider myself lucky that I have not had a visit from the black dog for many years. Yesterday was not a good day and it felt a little like the days when that damned dog was my constant companion. Everyone who knows me knows I’m no dog lover and I make no exception for the black dog. The prospect of him coming for a visit was as unwelcome as it was unexpected. Luckily I’ve woken up today and he has silently passed by the door and on his way which is a relief.
On reflection I think I was teetering on the cusp of a bad day all week. I’ve woken up a couple of days with a headache and I’ve not been sleeping well again. It’s been quite a busy week with hospital trips and I felt a little fatigued by it all.
Thursday ended well with a bite to eat out with a group of my girlfriends. I had a good time, three drinks and it wasn’t a late finish. Seems like I may have become a lightweight though because I had a terrible night with a headache and hot sweats so very little sleep. I eventually slipped into a decent sleep as everyone else was leaving for work and then was woken by my alarm shortly after.
It was a the day of my CT scan for my radiotherapy but I hadn’t felt like that was a big deal even turning down offers of support to come with me. I’m not sure if that was the wrong decision and I had been kidding myself, I certainly didn’t feel apprehensive but nonetheless I woke up with that heavy feeling, like the dog has slipped in overnight and is lying across your chest.
It’s hard to describe if you’ve never felt it. I felt bone tired and like I was carrying an invisible weight. I got myself ready and went off to my appointment. There was lots of information (again) more detailed perhaps than before and as a result of my CT scan the team gave me three tattoos that will enable them to line me up correctly every time whilst I’m having my treatment. This is to try to keep damage to the healthy cells to a minimum. So in my 54th year I’ve achieved another milestone of my first tattoo. I don’t think I’ll be repeating it though. I was also given my start date for my treatment which is not as soon as I had hoped so that was another little chink.
Whilst I was in the Unit someone got to ring the bell to say they were cancer free. This was lovely and everything stopped so we could all applaud but to me in my delicate state it was also somehow a stark reminder that this is real and I am a cancer patient. Sounds silly I know with everything that’s happened so far but there you are, it’s felt like I’m in some kind of no mans land for a while whilst I’ve been recovering from my surgery and waiting for my treatment and that has been a little surreal.
After my appointment I headed to the nearby retail park but even retail therapy couldn’t lift my spirits so I headed home. The weather was awful so I decided to make myself a hot chocolate, settle on the sofa, crank up the heating and watch a bit of junk tv.
So there my hubby found me when he came home, having a good blart. (Me not him) I think he was a little surprised as I’ve been so upbeat all the way through and he was also a little disconcerted as I don’t usually cry much. I wasn’t really able to explain what was wrong and he then felt bad for not coming to the hospital with me but it really was my choice to go alone and I don’t necessarily think that was the problem.
For anyone who has had depression before it’s always a concern that this isn’t just a bad day and that this is the start of a period of being ill again but thankfully I have slept a bit better and woken up without that awful feeling today so I can breathe deeply, relax and enjoy my weekend. Dog free.
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