The Club No one wanted to join

I started writing this blog post in May and I’ve returned to it a couple of times but not finished it or been motivated to post it. I think there could be a few reasons why, which may be covered as I continue. Anyway I decided to pick it up again and have edited it to bring it up to date. 

May is always a difficult month for me.

So many of my family have birthdays including myself so there are usually celebrations and holidays but also it’s a sad time as we celebrate my son Dans birthday but mourn his loss too. This year of course has been very different. 

I wrote that I use writing, just as I do talking, as a way to order my thoughts and feelings. (Those who know me know I love to talk) but it’s apparent that just writing it down is often enough for me and I don’t always feel the need to go a step further and make it fit for general publication. On this occasion I think I felt it was just a bit maudlin and I would spare others from reading it. 

Also to add, I’m not looking for sympathy or acknowledgement by writing. It helps me and I hope that it may help others in a similar situation. Some of you tell me that it does.

At the time of writing I had been experiencing a wide range of emotions. It had been difficult for me to work through some of these so I had some support both professional and from my wonderful friends to do this. 

Somebody said to me recently ‘welcome to the club nobody wanted to join’ it really resonated with me.
I got to thinking about trauma and it’s effects. Is it cumulative on the effect on your personal resilience. 

I won’t go into details for the reasons I’ve mentioned earlier but I have faced quite a lot of trauma over the years. As a child and as an adult with things like divorce, damaging relationships, bereavement and illness. So whilst the club nobody wants to join in this instance referred to a cancer diagnosis, I realised I’m also a paid up member of others just like it. 

I have danced since I was tiny and have done many shows and exams. So it’s no wonder that I am able to use those skills to act ok in difficult situations. I think it’s why I do well in things like interviews and presentations. I put the eyes and teeth mask on. If I’m doing it, then are others too? Many unexpected suicide cases show it’s likely. 

Whilst it’s a useful thing to be able to do, it can, if done to excess become dangerous. In my late thirties I ended up mentally quite unwell. It became impossible to keep the mask on and a bit like pan-stick make-up slides off when you sweat under stage lights so my smiley make up mask skid off because of the tears I couldn’t stop from falling. It was a dark time but with help I got through it and was motivated to make some major life changes. A divorce, a house move and a new job. I felt back in control of my life and content. A great place to be. I was lucky, others didn’t make it. I learnt that I must take care of me to be able to be there for the long haul and to be there for my friends and family. 

Fast forward to this August and things are starting to return to some new kind of normal for me, post cancer and living through a pandemic aside. I’m back working albeit from home and also not up to full hours yet. One of the reasons for lack of blog writing. 

I have found it physically and emotionally draining doing some of the simple things I previously took for granted. There have been some other casualties too. I have struggled to exercise as much as I had been and would like. Housework? Forget about it. Knitting, Cooking, reading, have all taken a hit. Even making time for friends. It’s become a fine balance between being able to function as a paid employee and maintain some kind of wellbeing for myself. The fatigue is tough to live with. 

So I come back to my earlier point about trauma. If you suffer one episode of trauma in your life, are you able to handle it and bounce back without too much impact? If something else happens do you have less of the initial resilience and does it take more out of you? And so on. Does it mean that someone who’s first trauma was a cancer diagnosis and treatment, could recover more easily than someone like me who has has suffered other traumas such as a loss of a child. It’s a fascinating concept. It links to some of the experiences of my fire fighter colleagues  who face traumatic events on a constant basis And how when coupled with devastating life events end up in a mental health crisis or in some cases PTSD. 

Having been quite low back in May I felt I was back on a fairly even keel but it’s amazing how fragile that keel actually can be. Upon hearing some terrible news about a friend and colleague who lost their daughter recently I felt side walled again. Of course the circumstances resonated with me took me back to the despair I felt after Daniels death  and for what I knew she and her family are going through. 

I’m lucky, yes I really am and I am still able to count my blessings but recognising the fragility of where I am emotionally has been a timely reminder for me. It is also what has probably brought me back to my writing. It’s ok to take the smiley mask off from time to time rather than waiting for it to slip. 

This week in an attempt to keep moving forward, I have been focusing on reframes. This involves taking negative thoughts and reframing them into something more positive. For example:

COVID-19 is never going to end becomes the social distancing efforts we are taking are proven  in reducing spread of the virus. It is having less impact.  Or:

It’s selfish of me to prioritise my health and well-being becomes self care is not selfish and taking care of myself helps me to be there for others. My health is priceless. 

I think it is making a difference and helping to shift my perspective to a happier place, without the use of the mask. I’ll keep you posted. 

Try it and let me know how you get on.