The title for this blog originates from a coincidence. I’ve been doing this 30 day song challenge that you may have seen on social media. Today was a song that moves you forward. There were a few songs on the short list but I knew I would choose one from Anastasia’s Freak of nature album. This album came out when I was in a pretty dark place in my life but I found it relatable, motivating and inspiring. It became the soundtrack to big life changes for me. I still play it when I need firing up. I have the cd in my car and put it on as required. For example on my way to an interview.
Back to the coincidence though, in the post today I received a book called ‘Moving Forward’ from my Breast Cancer Care Team.
The timing was pretty apt as I am planning my return to work -albeit from home. Despite listening to my songs this morning I certainly wasn’t feeling fired up. Quite the opposite sadly. I read a bit of the book but it didn’t help so I put it aside. What I am finding is that if I try to do something a little more taxing than the usual household pottering, dishwasher duties, cooking, laundry etc I get wiped out. Just when I think I’m ok I get these little set backs. It’s frustrating.
There have been tears today and it’s also making me quite anxious. I’m worried about how I am going to cope when I’m back in the real world. Will my brain fog render me incapable of doing my job. Making simple decisions at home is difficult so how will this translate in the workplace. Will my memory improve once I start flexing the brain muscle or will it hurt and complain like my weak shoulder is currently.
Even more worrying is the niggling thought that this might be as good as it gets. I have to take the hormone therapy to prevent the cancer returning for five years so some of these side effects could be long term.
I know I need to move forward and I am really trying but sometimes it feels as if I take one step forward and then two steps back. I know I need to be brave and take that leap of faith. I know I will be supported but as anyone knows who has suffered from anxiety is that it has one of those annoying droning loud voices that can be hard to ignore at times. I also know I need to not be too hard on myself.
It’s a scary world at the moment and this is the backdrop to my recovery so I accept that it’s not rocket science that I might be wobbling. I just need to see my way forward or more importantly, feel it.
So tomorrow is a song you think everyone should listen to. I haven’t chosen yet but I’m going to start the day with some mindfulness then I’m going to play my song choices loudly and hopefully get this show back on the road. Wish me luck. This weeble might wobble but it won’t fall down.
